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Amazon's Astro, a Household Robot for Home Monitoring, Has Zero Combat Effectiveness

It's like a Roomba that doesn't vacuum, just spies on you

By Rain Noe - September 30, 2021

in Tech

Here's the latest "This is a parody, right? –Oh no, they're sincere" realization: Amazon has announced their Astro, a small, Alexa-enabled "household robot for home monitoring."

And this, folks, is how they envision it integrating with your lifestyle:

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I say Amazon is half-stepping. This thing is supposed to monitor your home for intruders, yet it has no combat capabilities, nor defensive measures. The screen is placed at perfect kick-height.

If overturned, the Astro has no way to right itself. There's no powerful laser, sonic weapon, electroshock prod, not even a ball-bearing or caltrop dispenser. The thing can't tackle stairs; if your house is two stories, well, just choose the level you'd like to protect. Should be an easy choice: You've got the kids sleeping upstairs, but all that expensive stuff in the kitchen and living room.

Also, that telescoping rod? I've seen enough movies to know that when fighting this thing, you snap that rod off, then use it to spear the robot.

On the plus side, it docks itself for recharging. So it's like a Roomba, except it doesn't vacuum.

The $1,500 robot will initially sell for the bargain price of $1,000, "exclusively by invitation" through Amazon's Day 1 Editions program. If it succeeds in the marketplace, we can expect to see a rash of YouTube videos of guys in ski masks moving towards the camera, then the video ends with a giant shoe sole.

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Billy Mack

3 years ago

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F**k outta here, wire tap with video capabilities. At least fetch a beer. Happy birthday Paulie.

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Dan Lewis

3 years ago

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I'm happy with my dog!

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- Gavin Ivester
  
  Dan Lewis
  
  3 years ago
  
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  Your dog is all well and good, but it won't tell Jeff Bezos if you're home, how many people live there, whether any of them is a baby, whether your wifi signal is strong all over the house, etc.
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