What's the threshold for when a multitool exceeds its mandate? Victorinox, manufacturer of Swiss Army Knives, produces at least one unit that is apparently meant to be shared by an entire battalion. Don't let the profiles shots fool you…

…because this angle reveals this probably won't live in your pocket:

So, the $316 Swiss Champ XXL is advertised as having 73 functions split across 61 tools:

1. toothpick

2. pressurized ballpoint pen

3. pin, stainless steel

4. reamer, punch and sewing awl

5. can opener

6. screwdriver 3 mm

7. bottle opener

8. screwdriver 6 mm

9. wire stripper

10. key ring

11. universal wrench M3, M4, M5

12. Phillips screwdriver 1/2

13. magnifying glass

14. pliers

15. wire cutter

16. wire crimping tool

17. bit wrench

18. fish scaler

19. hook disgorger

20. ruler (cm)

21. ruler (inches)

22. nail file

23. large blade with wavy edge

24. reamer, punch

25. wood saw

26. scissors

27. multipurpose hook

28. screwdriver 2.5 mm

29. pruning blade

30. electrician's blade

31. wire scraper

32. pharmaceutical spatula

33. watch opener

34. screwdriver 5 mm

35. nail cleaner

36. metal saw

37. metal file

38. chisel 4 mm

39. large blade

40. small blade

41. bit slotted 3

42. bit slotted 4

43. bit Torx 6

44. bit Torx 8

45. bit Hex 1.2

46. bit Hex 1.5

47. bit Hex 2

48. bit Hex 2,5

49. bit case

50. female Hex drive 5 mm for D-SUB connectors

51. female Hex drive 4 mm for bits

52. LED

53. tweezers

54. bit Phillips 2

55. bit Phillips 0 (Pozidrive)

56. bit Phillips 1 (Pozidrive)

57. bit Torx 10

58. bit Torx 15

59. bit Hex 4

60. mini screwdriver

61. corkscrew

Finally, a tool that lets you scale fish while also providing a convenient pharmaceutical spatula.

The 12.5-ounce tool measures 2.5" high and 3.6" long. Pointedly, they don't list the width; the number is either too ridiculous to print, or even Switzerland lacks the technology to measure something that wide.