Icons, as designed by Susan Kare, used to be elegant in their simplicity. Kare is the graphic designer who worked on the original Macintosh, and in that era of limited memory, they needed an effective way to communicate ideas using a minimum of pixels. Kare developed a minimalist series of icons that fit the bill. Less was more.

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In the decades since, icons have grown into densely-detailed emojis, almost grotesque in their cartoonishness. Some still do a good job of succinctly conveying an idea—I chuckled the first time I saw the "fist bump" emoji—but to your author's eye, the catalog has become too bloated; I will probably never have the need to send an icon of a shocked kitten, a profile of a puffin or a dancing snowman.

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Still, as the UX designers behind WeChat and Facebook Messenger have ramped up their apps' cutesy factors, Apple has now followed suit. Have a look at the new features for iMessage, revealed at this week's Worldwide Developer's Conference:

Am I the last person on Earth who only wants text messages to clearly convey information and have a simple interface? I can't imagine needing to send a message festooned with lasers, a confetti animation or my own chicken-scratch handwriting, and if you ever sent me a message in "invisible ink" I'd never take the time to unmask it (and I'd secretly want to slap you).

Clearly I am not the target market for this "upgrade." I imagine they're aiming to further engage the hordes of smartphone-starers that heedlessly bump into people on the sidewalk. Are you one of them, or someone who would enjoy this interface? If so, can you explain the appeal?